Why Rob Schneider Hates Pizza

How are you?

Good, how are you?

Good. Good to see someone young in Hollywood.

I'm here. Here we are, young, young Hollywood. Awesome.

What's up with the band-aid on your face?

Uh, I tried to kill myself. I just aimed too high. Good, good. Shaving. Yeah. Yeah, you gotta go low to end it all. And I just, it was just, and it was a couple days ago, but still it's bad. I just, I just shaved too fast. I was in a hurry. Don't shave in a hurry anywhere. Anywhere. Be careful.

I was gonna say if that happened a couple days ago, you're really, you really got yourself good.

Yeah, it was a, it was a whack. My kids like putting band-aids on me. So they come up and just put it on me and I, I, you know, if I, if I take it off, they're like, here, Daddy. You need band-aid for boo-boo. You need band-aid. Hey, give you band-aid? You want a band-aid? They say, yeah, just leave me alone or give me the, all right, give me the band-aid. So that's what's happening.

Right. And speaking of your kids, so you had we saw a little video that you posted, day three of quarantine, and all you guys were playing karaoke, right? You were singing karaoke?

Yeah, those happy days are over, four months ago.

I was gonna say, how is it now, like day hundred something.

No, remember I, I long for the old days of flatten the curve. They didn't say like flatten your life. Just flatten the curve. Uh, and then, uh, no, I don't like where this is headed. But, uh, anyway. Yeah, but the kids, you know, it's, it's been beautiful to spend this much time with my kids. Yeah. It's too much. It's too much time with my kids. They're sick of me at this point. I'm sick of them. Um, but, you know, I think they've lost their second language because I'm here so much. They've lost all their Spanish. But anyway.

How many times have you done karaoke or is it just like a one hit wonder? You're like.

Oh, no, no, no. We do karaoke quite a bit. That's one of our things here. It's, you know, part of being Filipino. You have to do karaoke, that's just the, you know. It's, uh, it'd be very weird if you did, if you're Filipino and you don't do karaoke, people are going to go, you're not really Filipino then. Yeah. No, it's like not being a nurse if you're a Filipino, you know, you have to also be in the healthcare industry. But anyway, uh, um, all these things are explored in my new, uh, Netflix comedy special.

I know, we want to talk about it. We really do. Asian Mama, Mexican kids. No, for that, what were you feeling when you found out or like what, what was your family's reaction when everyone found out that you're gonna be on Netflix and diving deeper into like your guys's lives.

Uh, I, again, I think they just, they're happy I'm out of the house for whatever reason. Um, but it's okay, they're little. I have, you know, I have my older daughter, uh, who's in the show, by the way, Elle King, a great pop singer and, um, I don't know if she'd like to be called a pop singer, a rock singer. Yep. Uh, you know, they, they're fun but I don't think that they're gonna get all the jokes, you know. My wife's a real sport. Uh, some of the jokes they may get. There's some bad words I say, but I think it's okay. My dad, my parents let me watch. I don't know about your folks, but my parents let me watch everything.

Same. My parents didn't really.

Oh, they did. Good. Yeah, because, you know, my parents they work. They both work. They were busy. They were tired. They're like, ah, they don't care, you deal with it. And, um, we're a lot more careful. Uh, my wife and I. Oh, you're gonna ask, what are you, what type of parent are you when it comes to that stuff? I don't like them to watch too much TV, but then like during this whole, you know, flatten the curve year, uh, you know, they gotta watch some TV. I, I, I don't know what. So everything's out the window. Then you're teaching them and then like, I don't know, I hated school. Imagine, I hated going to school. Imagine me trying to teach school. They, I know and they know that I hate it. You know, they.

Right. Yeah, because you became a teacher, right?

Yeah. So, well, my wife and I, she's a lot better at it than me. And some stuff, you know, some days you have good mornings, some days, you know, they look at you, they don't want to listen. It's been tough. It ain't easy.

How was it, how's it been for you?

It's been fine. Honestly, like I've just been working a ton, like more than before, which I like. So I was like, really happy. Yeah. I've never been a big hugger anyway, you know, touchy. I don't like it either. It's a good excuse. Um, I mean, I like shaking hands. I like saying hi to people, but like, uh, you know.

Don't need to.

Yeah, but I, you know, this, this is, this has gone on too long, too much. We got to get back to normal. Life is a risk getting up in the morning, you know.

I know. And for the Netflix show, is this something you've always wanted or you were just like open to the idea of like people being able to see really what goes behind the scenes in your guys's lives.

Well, no, no. This is just a stand-up. I mean, I have a comedy, I mean, I have a sitcom on Netflix as well called Real Rob, which is a little bit more intrusive in my life. It's a sitcom, but it's made up of mostly, you know, factual things that have happened to me. But this is just a stand-up routine. I mean, I've done it. I started out as a stand-up and I wanted people to see me, uh, and realize this is what I did and I wanted to have a record of it. And and this is the best, honestly, it's the biggest entertainment platform in the world, Netflix. And I'm grateful for them to give me a shot at this. And, and it's fun. I want people to be able, I think what people want to do is they want to be silly and laugh right now. Right, it makes me laugh. That's all this show is. They can just sit back and relax. It's got great music in it. There's a great pianist, uh, Takeru Saito from Japan. He's a great jazz pianist who plays along side of him doing my jokes. And we have a, you know, a ten-piece violin, uh, accompaniment. And it's been great. I mean, it's a special show and I really put my heart in it. And I'm very thrilled that Netflix, uh, uh, you know, is putting it on.

Yeah, for sure. And who came up with the title of it?

Um, well, I have an Asian mother. I don't recommend it, by the way. But, uh, if you don't have one yet, try to. Now, they're very, they're tougher. I really are. They're, um, I would use the word mean. Um, I love my mother, but that's she, she was tough. Thank God my dad was a softy. But, uh, and and I have Mexican kids. And it's beautiful. I grew up in a in the San Francisco Bay Area where, you know, we would go to Chinatown every Sunday. And there's Chinese and there's there's Japan Town right next to it. And then you have Filipino Town and then there was, which was like my house. And then there was Little Russia, Russian Hill. And then there was the Polish area. And then there was Mission District where the Mexicans were.

What was your favorite?

Um, Chinatown. Because anything goes in Chinatown. I was like 16, I started going there. And they're like, you know, Chinese people they just, you know, they would serve me and my friends beer. I'm like, I couldn't believe it. You want to like a beer? I'm like, yeah, I'll take a beer. Yeah, I'll take one. And, uh, and so they realized that that was like, you know, after a few times they were like, oh, okay, you're not 21. And so, but it was great growing up with that. The nicest people and everything. I ended up working for, uh, John Chow and Patrick Chang at a gas station in San Francisco.

A gas station?

Yeah. Everybody, you know, you're trying to make you're just trying to make a little side cash, you know, when you're a kid. You gotta work.

So like if I went to the gas station, you'd be there to ring out like put the.

Back then you had to put the gas in and then you had to pay cash back then or you had to, you know, take the credit card and go, you know, that thing. No Apple Pay. Before you were born, yeah. Didn't even there's no chip. Yeah.

And how often do you go back pre-COVID? Um, how often were you going back to the Bay Area or you're not that much.

I love it there. I had a place there for 30 years. I just gave it up, um, in January in San Francisco. I'm sorry, in December. But I, I, I'm I'm I love it up there. I mean, I used to love North Beach where the Italians and the all the Italian restaurants. To me that was the best. If you've never, you know, hopefully that'll always stay there, but it's just hard with gentrification and people, um, you know, the high rents and stuff and it's crazy and the tech companies. So, you know, there was a place, uh, called Fagoni Hardware. And that that's like a now it's a cafe, but like I used to, I bought one, I felt bad for like the old guy in there. I walked in, he got, can I get you, can I, can I get you something? What are you looking for? I know, I don't know.

We just got these plates in. They're like, All right, I'll buy one. So I bought one. And he said, let me put you on my call list. This was before email, right? He says, let me just, so I'll call you when we get new ones. I'm like, All right. I felt sorry. He was in his eighties, this guy. Fagoni. And, uh, so any time, hey, Rob, I got a new plate in there. We got new cups, cappuccino cups. So I would always go and buy it from the guy and I would, and I'd look forward to a call. And then now the place Fagoni Hardware, hi, it's Al, Al Fagoni. So, uh, but that that's gone now. So those kind of things that that I really remember from your old neighborhoods. You know, there's the place that cooked French bread. There was the place, the little, the little bar that was the dive bar you could go in and then the place that made, uh, the most amazing cappuccino. So that's the stuff that that I miss, you know.

Yeah, it seems like a good area. And when you were growing up, did you like, were you doing stand-up on the side of you like?

Oh, not on the side. That was the main thing. The side was everything else in my life was the side. Eating, sleeping, uh, drinking, anything else was the side. But, um, it was all about trying to be a, you know, make it in show business and being a stand-up comic and being trying to be a great one. Um, and, uh, so yeah, you just do whatever. I remember like, you know, the times that you know, when you're struggling, you look back and go, those are the most fun times ever. You know, I remember there was a guy Fred, he had a pizza parlor, Fred, Fred's pizza. He used to come down and watch our comedy shows and he knew we were broke. So he would just say, come on, you come in, come in after we close and you can have all the pizza you want. So we go there and eat pizza. And it was very nice. He's like, take the pizza to go. So we ate pizza for breakfast. I hate pizza. When I eat pizza.

You eat pizza?

Now I hate it because it reminds me of being broke and poverty and all that stuff. I'm like, I don't want to eat pizza. When I think of eating pizza, I get depressed.

You eat pizza for breakfast.

It makes me feel PTSD pizza. Yeah. Right. Post-dramatic pizza.

Who's one person that you want to watch the new Netflix show?

Um, I would love John Cleese to see it. He's my hero. Uh, probably Jim Downey. He's a real genius of Saturday Night Live. Uh, that guy. Um, I hope Adam Sandler sees it. David Spade, Chris Rock. I hope he likes it.

You've talked to any of them?

Yeah, all of them. Yeah, all of them. Um, but John Cleese always, he's my hero. I hope he, I hope he sees it and laughs. Um, and I think it's, it's a silly, uh, you know, it's a silly show, which is silly as king. You know, the sillier the better. You know, the more you can make something that make, if you make kids laugh, that's the win. You know what I mean? You're good. You're good to go. I think so.

Have you watched it all the way through yet? Like do you know what it's gonna look like?

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. I had to edit it and I was there and took stuff out, put stuff back in. did this and that. Yeah, yeah, you have to. You have to deliver the whole thing. But the idea of it is just to be able to sit back and and watch it and laugh and enjoy it as if you're there in the audience. And then, you know, so we mixed it with really good sound and there's really beautiful music in it. I wanted to do a special that would that had something more interesting for me. Yeah. So I performed it with a jazz musician, a jazz pianist who was playing right behind me for a half the show. Not the whole show. It would have been too much. And then my daughter comes out at the end, we do a little duet, you know. And, uh, truthfully, you know, I told her I said, hey, listen, I don't know if I'm ever gonna get another one of these. You better come out and we'll do something fun together. She did and it ended up being special and very sweet. I hope you like it.

I I'll I'll let you know. I'll let you know. Does your wife and, um, family, do they laugh at your jokes? Do they think you're funny?

Some of them. But truthfully, like my wife's a comedy writer too, so, you know, the the worst audiences are other comedians because they're going, okay, that's funny. But to get them to actually laugh, it's got to be, to get my wife to actually laugh, I have to hurt myself physically.

We're not gonna see anything physical in the show. It better be.

No, it's physical too. You know, I think people will get a kick out of it, you know. And, uh, I I was I was always hoping that like the world would be stuck somewhere so they'd have to watch my show. Look, look, be careful what you wish for because it literally came true. I know. I know. Well, I hope people have a good laugh with their family and friends and their loved ones and their wife, their wife or their husband and and uh, I hope I hope the young people like yourself, young Hollywood enjoys it too.

We will, I'm sure we will. We'll let you know. We'll let you know.