Advice to the Beckhams

David and Victoria, Hollywood awaits your arrival with open legs. It's your seven-year itch and you've been handed 250 million to relocate to the City of Angels. Brangelina is going stale, so you two are obviously the next it couple. You've already got the basics covered. Gazillion in the bank, check. Anorexia, manorexia, matching fake tans, check. Kids with ghastly names, check. That's almost a perfect score. But let's be honest. This is Los Angeles. Perfect isn't enough. To be Hollywood royalty, you need that extra edge. So, we here at Young Hollywood thought we'd offer you some advice. Young Hollywood presents: Advice to the Beckhams. Posh, stop having your own offspring.

At least with each other anyway. There are people who need to be adopted from unpronounceable countries. If you won't adopt a third-world baby, Victoria, give someone else a chance at impregnating you. Britney Spears and Paris Hilton finalized a fad that was well on its way. This isn't Kensington, you won't need the warmth of your skivvies in Lotus Land. Also, you have no sex tape. Make one. When you truly bend it like Beckham, they'll find it. Trust me. Now David, you are well renowned for having the perfectly sculpted body of Adonis. But this is Los Angeles. We have one recommendation. Also, David, you will need to start a mediocre band.

Keanu has Dogstar, Russell has 30 odd foot of Grunt, and do I need to mention the Bacon Brothers? You're no one in this town unless you play uninspiring guitar in your offseason. Posh, you can even lipsync on the first tour. Although soccer is massively popular on the other side of the pond. No one here really cares about it, David. The Galaxy? I mean, really. Sorry. If you want to be taken seriously as an athlete, you might want to try on a different shirt. Yes. David, if you decide you don't like LA and want to return to jolly old England, there is nothing like being videotaped in a hateful rant to get you out of your contract. Mel and Kramer already chose their enemies.

Who does that leave you with? Let's face it. They've grown too powerful. If you do decide to succeed in America, you have to understand your principal fanbase. I know you're a hit with teenage girls and soccer moms, but let's face it. They only know you as Posh Spice's husband. Well, that should get you started in the City of Angels. Fear not, Poshum, you're almost there. You're well on your way to becoming our city's most prized asset. For Young Hollywood, I'm Carla Cavalli.