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Scaredy-Cat Watches Horror Movies

10-11-2021 by Gabbi Wiesehan

   
(A24)

 

Halloween is just right around the corner and the time is officially now to start getting in the spirit. That means pumpkin patches, corn mazes, those addictive Pillsbury sugar cookies, and, most importantly, scary movies.

 

Here’s the thing, though. I hate Halloween. I hate creepy things. And I especially hate watching scary movies.

 

So that’s why I’m going to have a scary movie marathon.

 

I think I’ve watched approximately two horror movies in my entire life (I am quite literally scared of anything remotely creepy), so why not take the opportunity to overstimulate myself with multiple scary movies that I’ve tried my hardest to avoid seeing?! I’m taking everyone along for the ride and documenting my thoughts as I go. I’m doing this for your guys’ entertainment. You're Welcome.

 

1.Hereditary

Yeah, I’m jumping in headfirst. Here’s my reasoning, though -- if I get the worst ones out of the way, I can reward myself with a lighter, less scary movie at the end of this marathon to calm me down. But I don’t think this will be that bad.

 

Never mind. Charlie just got decapitated. And I am now sick to my stomach.

 

Oh, no, screw this. When a séance commences, I’m out.

 

No, no, no, no, no. I did not sign up for attics, cult leader grandmas, or possessions. Absolutely not. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

 

Update: I couldn’t take any more notes because I was hiding behind my weighted blanket and refused to keep my eyes on the screen for more than five seconds at a time. I am going to be dwelling on this movie for the rest of the year. I am starting to rethink the rest of this marathon.

 

 

 

2. It (2017)

Am I scarred by Hereditary? Yes. But am I going to tough it out? Maybe. Next on the list is It, and I opted for the remake instead of the original version for optimal scare factor. I think this is also a good time to mention that I don’t do clowns. So this should be fun.

 

Update: This is not fun. That creepy-ass baby giggle was already bone-chilling enough.

 

If I have to suffer through one more jumpscare, I’m going to scream and cry and throw up. I actually think I may have peed my pants a little during Hereditary.

 

Update 2: WHAT -- and I cannot stress this enough -- THE F**K? What was that dance?! If I have to see Pennywise bust out that jig again, I’m turning off the TV. Aaaand his face just split open. Alright.

 

 

 

3. Midsommar (2019)

I’m actually kind of excited about this one. I’ve heard both good and disturbing things, and I’m intrigued. Also, I love Florence Pugh. BUT this is from the same director who traumatized me with Hereditary. So, you know, this could go either way...

 

This is just upsetting more than anything so far. I already feel for Dani. Also, why do these guys hate her so much?

 

NO, MA’AM. ARE THESE THE 72-YEAR-OLDS? And why we do keep zooming in on their heads after they jump? And why does each person have to smash in the head with a mallet? That seems excessive.

 

Sorry, they put what in the juice? And who is WEARING MARK’S SKINNED FACE AS A MASK?

 

Update: I just made the gut-wrenching realization that he was alive while being stuffed and sewn into the bear. But I am also weirdly happy for Dani. I almost thought, “Aw, good for her!” I think this can open a deeper discussion, honestly.


 

 

4. Jennifer’s Body (2009)

Midsommar left me uneasy for sure (but it didn’t bother me as much as I thought it was going to), probably because I’m still numb from Hereditary, so I’m ending on a lighter note and watching Jennifer’s Body.

 

Sorry, but I find it extremely hard to believe that anyone would think Amanda Seyfried is a loser in high school. Look at her. Just a thought.

 

Okay, but eating a whole boy in the woods and then getting your cardio in with a swim in the lake is very girlboss and, honestly, just self-care.

 

At this point I’m not even scared at all. I’m just applauding every little thing Megan Fox does, even if she’s murdering people. This was the perfect movie to end this otherwise horrible idea I had.