Dressing Up For An Isolated Halloween!

While the crippling despair of Staying In on Halloween has not yet hit us in full, it will. And when it does, we must be prepared. Gone are the thirty-firsts of bizarre costume parties and haunted debauchery, now just mythos of the quick-fading past. Staying on the couch will, for some, act as whiplash, for what is there to do on All Hallows Eve if not communal hijinks?

I humbly present a list of the best at-home Halloween costumes, because this year, we’re all couch-potato’d losers. Dress for the Witching Hour you want, not the one you’ve got!

1. Sleeping Ghost

Stay with me here: a sheet. And that’s it. No eye holes, no marker-mouth, no standing. Simply you, lying down, under a sheet. What wit you will display! The shadow-people in your basement will be so envious, and you will be so content with your burden of staying in.

2. Couch Potato

This one requires a bit more effort to assemble, but the same level of spunk to pull off (read: none). You will need a couch, your carcass, and a dirt-encrusted bean bag chair, in that order. And that’s it. You’re covered in a brown amorphous blob, chilling on the sofa, absolutely overpowered by your own costume pun. A literal couch potato. You are a god. 

3. Some Dead Guy

This one is for my real procrastinators. Let’s set the scene: it’s 6:59 PM on October 31st. You are currently doing laundry, which means your sheets are wet (the horror!). The garage sale you hosted last weekend scored you $42 (the big bucks!), but a designer bean bag broiled in its own filth runs about five times that. You are left with one option, which is, as stated, Some Dead Guy. You lay on the floor…

...and that’s it.

Unprecedented times call for unprecedented measures. Or is the saying desperate? Is there a difference? Luckily, we will have plenty of time to ponder these questions come Halloween, when we are barricaded in our homes, haunting ourselves with the sad wails of people Missing Out. Do yourself a favor and dress up a bit for the occasion. It makes the mourning merry.